I’m a couple of days late with the old blog because I’ve been having therapy. Don’t panic. It’s not therapy where you lie on a couch and talk. No my treatment, my therapy was a visit from my grandson Jake. The course of medicine I had involved, two train trips to the city. A long session at the Sunbury pool. A visit to the laser tag thingy at water gardens and a strict regime of silly jokes, most of which my dear grandson didn’t laugh at.

I drove up to Euroa on Wednesday to pick up the prescribed 10-year-old. The drive out-of-town helped to blow some of the cobwebs away, but it was the drive home with my little house guest that  started to shift the fog. We talked about some of the stuff we might do during our time together. We planned a trek into the city on the train.  Talked about school and holidays and a movie Jake had seen recently. And when I thought back on our conversation that night I realised that for the first time in weeks, I’d been truly in the ‘ Moment.’ For two hours my mind hadn’t been racing from one worry to the next. My mind had been focused on my boy, the road and the promise of adventure.

Thursday was hot so logical place to head was our local pool. I did my dog paddle, kick board noodle thing, while Jake and my stepdaughter gave me cheek from the lap lane. I might not be a master in the aquatic scene but I can splash with the best of them and I reckon I gave as good as I got. I’ve been going to the pool a couple of times a week lately to try to unwind. Sometimes it works but at other times it’s felt like I’m just soaking my thoughts rather than washing them away. But thursday was different. Thursday it was fun. Thursday was about the three of us just mucking around. Thursday was a Good day.

On Friday we left my wife at our friend Rose’s  house in Richmond and gave Jake’s new myki a workout. We went into to city on the train to visit the film and television thing at Fed Square. Caught a tram to the museum. Prowled the shops in Swanston Street. Went through the loop just for the hell of it. And for lunch we had sandwiches and a giggle at Flinders Street station.  Through it all I was in the moment. As I  watched my grandson watching the world I glimpsed a bit of a younger me and my heart felt lighter. During my last trip to the city I’d been pondering Australia’s immigration policy, but on this trip all I focussed on was the unfolding adventure of being with my travelling buddy.

We went back into the city on Saturday morning. Jake fancied another train ride and I fancied his ten-year old sense of doing something just for fun. Jake bought a wallet he’d seen in a shop the day before. We listened to a brass band pumping its way down Swanston Street as part of the Australia day celebrations. I sipped on a take away coffee while the boy put his myki into his new ‘ Real leather wallet,’ On the trip home Jake took photo’s through the carriage window. He talked about the laser tag and how he ,’ Couldn’t wait to get there.’ Jake’s eyes were full of excitement. And my tired old mind was having a rest.

Trains, laser tag and wallets made in China, aren’t traditional medicine. But I tell you what my grandson jake sure is!

P.S Thanks to everyone for all the comments and well wishes over the last week. Much love, Baz.


Here I Am.

Hi, It’s me. If you’re a regular reader you may have been wondering  what happened to those weekly blogs I’d vowed to publish. Well the thing is I’ve been a bit crook. My urge to write disappeared. Over the last month or so I’ve been finding hard to focus my attention on anything. My minds been racing. Thoughts, old ghosts, self-doubt have been surging through my head like a train through a tunnel. The thing that’s really knocked me on my bum is the fact that I’d convinced myself I was cured. I told myself that I was working more, riding my bike more, keeping the kitchen cleaner because I had a new zest for life. But the truth is I was trying to get my body to keep pace with my mind and in doing so I ran out of steam. I remember posting during mental health week and  feeling so confident about my capacity to cope with the black dog, but just at the minute he’s out of the yard and chasing me up and down the street.

I  was talking to a friend the other day and he commented that my little blogs always seem to end on a positive note. When I thought about it I realised that maybe there were a couple of reasons why I feel the need to  tie up the loose ends. Firstly, perhaps in the past I went to one to many sermons where the vicar would sum up the meaning of life in a fifteen minute spiel. And secondly and more importantly life and all its half-finished stories, it’s twists and turns still frighten the shit out of me. I struggle a lot to find myself and when I’m a bit crook, I loose the struggle. At 56 I feel almost ashamed to admit I don’t know myself. For years I’ve looked for a sense of wholeness in lots of places. I’ve knelt down in churches and tried to pray . Gone on and still go on manic shopping sprees convincing myself that if I just buy that new phone I’ll feel better. I’ve looked for me in the past. Looked for me in other people’s versions of life. I’ve imagined, daydream, fantasized about how one of these days I’ll do something worthwhile. And in all those bullshit mind trips have come to realise if I don’t learn to like me as I am, I risk being lost forever.

My wife Caz, has been trying to get me to slow down for a couple of months. Ever so gently she’s been trying to tell me, ‘ I think you’re you’re getting unwell love.’ To my shame now each time I’ve responded with anger and denial. ‘ I  know what I’m doing.. I don’t need you to tell me what’s happening to me.. I’m not sick I’m just angry and busy. ‘ But the other night when things  caught up with me it was Caz that held me while I pleaded for my mind  to just let me rest for a while. I’m lucky to have her . Lucky to be loved.

So now I’m waiting for an appointment at the clinic in Sunshine.  There gonna review my medication and hopefully get the old chemicals back into balance. For my part I’m doing my best to slow down. We’ve cut back on the junk mail runs. I’m reading a book on building self-esteem and . I’ve signed up for a mindfulness class. And I’m hoping to make peace with myself.

Thanks for listening. Much Love, Baz.